Fifty odd years of insightful comments, sayings, thoughts and musings…

Yes, they were all very odd years. Every one of them was, no exceptions. Like they say, the hours weren’t bad; it was the individual minutes that sucked (Douglas Adams.) Anyway, this section contains (will contain) an eclectic anthology of gems I have collected. For the complete compilation, you have to beg and bribe. In the meantime, I will insert selected insights into the newsletter whether appreciated, or not. If you ask nicely, I will also include snippets from my Novella “The Princess Chronicles.” (NOT the Princess Diaries that was published.) I have been writing this for a long, long time. It won’t ever be published because it seems to have taken on a life of it’s own. Well, actually at this moment in time, it is in a coma, but the prognosis is positive. Chapter 46 is just itchin’ to be written. Each chapter is devoted to a different “Princess” that has crossed my path. There seem to be an inordinate quantity of Princesses out there. It’s a “Kiss and Tell” kind of thing. Serves them right. They never realized I took notes, much less pictures…

In the Ozone April, 2005

Extreme feminine beauty is always disturbing. Spock, The Cloud Minders, stardate 5818.4

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for. Will Rogers

Love is not measured by how many times you touch each other, but by how many times you reach each other. Cathy Morany

There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman... neither works. Will Rogers

You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time. Dave Barry

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved. Will Rogers

Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it. Tallulah Bankhead

There are three kinds of men: the ones that learn by reading; the few who learn by observation; the rest of them have to pee on the electric fence. Will Rogers

Nobody cares if you can't dance well.  Just get up and dance. Dave Barry

Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch. Robert Orben

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your door. George Carlin

Whoever undertakes to set himself up as a judge of Truth and Knowledge is shipwrecked by the laughter of the gods. Albert Einstein

Faith is believing what you know isn't true. Author Unknown

Civilization and Religion are incompatible. Author Unknown

This isn't denial. I'm just very selective about which reality I accept. Anon

Bad is never good until worse happens. Danish Proverb

Love is not measured by how many times you touch each other, but by how many times you reach each other. Cathy Morany

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was “Always.”

The human capacity for selective blindness appears to be infinite.

Glen Cook, Petty Pewter Gods 1995

"Ultimately we know deeply that the other side of every fear is freedom." Marilyn Ferguson

In the Ozone April, 2004

Christian, n. One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary (1881-1911)

It is not enough to conquer, one must know how to seduce. Voltaire

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, whom do you let in first? The dog, of course, he'll shut up once you let him in.

Our last fight was my fault. My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for. Will Rogers

There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman... neither works. Will Rogers

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. George Carlin

Whoever undertakes to set himself up as a judge of Truth and Knowledge is shipwrecked by the laughter of the gods. Albert Einstein

This isn't denial. I'm just very selective about which reality I accept. Anon

Love is not measured by how many times you touch each other, but by how many times you reach each other. Cathy Morany

Bad is never good until worse happens. Danish Proverb

The human capacity for selective blindness appears to be infinite. Glen Cook, Petty Pewter Gods 1995

Faith is believing what you know isn't true. Author Unknown

Extreme feminine beauty is always disturbing. Spock, The Cloud Minders, stardate 5818.4

Civilization and Religion are incompatible. Author Unknown

In the Ozone July, 2003

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

You should not confuse your career with your life.

No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously. Dave Barry

You only live once. But if you work it right, once is enough. Fred Allen

We believe whatever we want to believe. Demosthenes

A man said to the universe,"Sir, I exist."

"However," replied the universe, "that fact has not created in me a sense of obligation." Stephen Crane

Jesus asked "Who do the people say that I am?".

His disciples answered him, saying "You are the eschatological manifestation of the ground of our being; the kerugma in which we receive the ultimate meaning of our interpersonal relationships." …and Jesus replied,"Huh?" - Author Unknown

The way to gain a good reputation is to endeavor to be what you desire to appear. Socrates

"Bother," said Pooh, as he saw the mushroom cloud. Author Unknown

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons? - A question from the audience during a recent Dr. Science appearance

If your spirits are low, do something; if you have been doing something, do something different. Author Unknown

Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing worth knowing can be taught. Oscar Wilde

Children are heriditary. If your parents didn't have any, chances are you won't either. Author Unknown

In the Ozone June, 2003

Hope for a miracle. But don't depend on one. The Talmud

Do what you can, with what you have, where you are. Theodore Roosevelt

The highest destiny of the individual is to serve rather than to rule. Albert Einstein

Be who you are and say what you feel because the people who mind don't matter and the people who matter don't mind. Dr. Seuss

In the Beginning there was nothing, which exploded. Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies

The only difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits. Albert Einstein

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging. Will Rogers

Women are creatures meant to be loved, not to be understood. Oscar Wilde

The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less. Brendon Behan

It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on. Marilyn Monroe

I don't measure a man's success by how high he climbs but how high he bounces when he hits bottom. Gen George Patton

Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, small minds discuss people. Laurence Peter

There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened. Douglas Adams.

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house. Steven Seagal.

If at first you don't succeed, you may get a lot of unsolicited advice. Ruth Ann Dupriest

A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular. - Adlai Stevenson

If at first you don't succeed, look at it this way, you've failed. Keith Alan Stinebaugh

The universe is not only queerer than we suppose, it is queerer than we can suppose. J.B.S. Haldane

I've wrestled with reality for 35 years, and I'm happy, Doctor, I finally won out over it. Jimmy Stewart, Harvey

If everything seems to be going right and nothing seems to be going wrong, you have obviously overlooked something. Yarborough's law

And God said, "Let there be an initial disturbance phenomoneon culminating in the subsequent expansion of the primeval super-dense cosmic plasma." Author Unknown

It is hard to solve chess problems with a checker mentality. - Charles Schultz

Home is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to take you in. Robert Frost

Life is what happens to us while we are making other plans. Author Unknown

Don't be afraid to take a big step if one is indicated, you can't cross a chasm in two small jumps. David Lloyd George

Every woman is a 10, it simply is a matter of choosing the proper number base. Author Unknown

In the Ozone May, 2003

Sign on a Septic Tank Truck: "We're #1 in the #2 business."

Sign at a Gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

Sign on a Proctologist's door: "To expedite your visit, please back in."

Sign on a Plastic Surgeon's office door: "Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

Sign at a Towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

Stress Management

Just in case you've had a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological texts; the funny thing is that it really works. Picture yourself near a stream.

Birds are softly chirping in the crisp, cool, mountain air.

No one but you knows your secret place.

You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called "the world."

The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

The water is crystal clear.

You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding under the water.

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"

Dad: "That happens in every country, son."

Marriage is a three-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, & Suffering.

A small boy was lost in a rather large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and through tear filled eyes said, "I lost my Daddy!" The policeman asked, "Tell me son, what's he like?" The little lad replies, "Beer and tits"

Several cannibals were recently hired by a big corporation, "You are all part of our team now," said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don t eat any of the other employees."

The cannibals promised.

Four weeks later, their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their heads no.

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything, but noooooo, you had to go and eat the secretary!"

When life hands you lemons, ask for a bottle of tequila and the salt.

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the
batteries are dead?

Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

Chicago Mayor Richard M. Daley, on his way home from work at City Hall, came to a dead halt in traffic on the Dan Ryan Expressway and though to him,  "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's moving at all." He noticed a State Trooper walking back and forth between the lines of cars, so he rolled down his window and asked, "Officer, I'm Mayor Richard M. Daley, what's the problem; what's holding everything up." The trooper replied,  "It's the Reverend Jackson. He's so depressed about the thought of everyone knowing about his extra-martial affair, his illegitimate child, and the drop in Rainbow revenue since September 11 that he stopped his car in the middle of the Dan Ryan Expressway, and is threatening to douse himself with gasoline and set himself on fire. He says the country and his congregation are blaming him for his infidelity, and he doesn't know if he can live with the shame and embarrassment much less the drop in financial support. The people in the halted cars along the expressway are taking up a collection for him."

"Oh really," replied Mayor Daley. "How much have they collected for the Reverend Jackson so far?"

"About 300 gallons," said the trooper, "but they're still siphoning."

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. Dave Barry

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. Dave Barry

And if God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, whether She/He is or isn't, whatever She or He looks like, decides to deliver a message to humanity, She/He WILL NOT use, as Her/His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle. Dave Barry

Why should we be in such desperate haste to succeed and in such desperate enterprises? If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music that he hears, however measured or far away. Henry David Thoreau

To succeed, planning alone is insufficient, you must improvise. Isaac Asimov

Everything I did in my life that was worthwhile I caught hell for. Earl Warren

In the Ozone April, 2003

When you don’t know what to do, do nothing…

I can only assume that a “Do Not File” document is filed in a “Do Not File” file.

--Senator Frank Church, Senate Intelligence Subcommittee, 1975

If at first you don’t succeed, look at it this way - you’ve failed. Keith Alan Stinebaugh

Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish all others. Mark Twain

It pays to be obvious, especially when you have a reputation for being subtle. Isaac Asimov

Life is what happens to us while we are making other plans.

Sin lies only in hurting other people unnecessarily. All other “sins” are just invented nonsense. (Hurting yourself is not sinful - just stupid.) Robert A. Heinlein

Blessed are those who run in circles, for they shall be called big wheels.

Do you ever sit quietly by the window at twilight and watch the shadows lengthen as the last few rays of sunlight sparkle through the trees and, in those golden, waning moments, peacefully think to yourself...another day shot to hell. Christopher Paul Edward Moix

Who do you think you were before you were who you think you are now?

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I’m not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant. Attributed to Richard Milhous Nixon

Endings are just beginnings backwards.

Lord, give me this day my daily idea…and forgive me the one I had yesterday.

He who laughs last didn’t catch on very fast, did he?

The moon is more important than the sun, because it shines at night when it is needed, while the sun is only out during the day when there is enough light anyway.

It is not enough to conquer; one must know how to seduce. Voltaire

When in England at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of empire building by George Bush. He answered by saying that, “Over the years, the United States has sent many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is enough to bury those that did not return.”

It became very quiet in the room.

You know the world is going crazy, when:

The best rapper is a white guy; the best golfer is a black guy; France is accusing the US of arrogance; and Germany doesn’t want to go to war.

Why do men die before their wives? They want to.

Doesn’t “expecting the unexpected” make the unexpected expected?

Subject: ATM

Please note that the Bank is installing new "drive-through" teller machines.
Customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To
enable customers to use this new facility, the following procedures have been drawn up. Please read the procedure that applies to your own circumstances
(i.e., MALE or FEMALE) and remember it when you use the machine for the first
time.
MALE PROCEDURE
A. Drive up to the cash machine.
B. Put down your car window.
C. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
D. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
E. Retrieve card, cash and receipt
F. Put window up
G. Drive off
FEMALE PROCEDURE
A. Drive up to cash machine
B. Reverse car to back up the required amount to align car window to machine
C. Set parking brake; put the window down
D. Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card.
E. Turn the radio down
F. Attempt to insert card into machine
G. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car
H. Insert card
I. Re-insert card the right way up
J. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page
K. Enter PIN.
L. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
M. Enter amount of cash required
N. Check make up in rear view mirror
O. Retrieve cash and receipt
P. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside
Q. Place receipt in back of checkbook
R. Re-check make-up again
S. Drive forward 2 feet
T. Reverse back to cash machine
U. Retrieve card
V. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided
W. Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male drivers in line behind you
X. Restart stalled engine and pull off
Y. Drive for 2 to 3 miles
Z. Release Parking Brake

In the Ozone March, 2003

A friend asked me the other day “What’s all this talk about the end zone? Is it a new bar?” I rest my case about readers of “The Ozone.”

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." Bill Clinton, President

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. Washington Post's Style Invitational

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer. Washington Post's Style Invitational

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness. Washington Post's Style Invitational

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them. Bumper Sticker
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. Bumper Sticker

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular? Bumper Sticker

THE COLLEGE THEME PAPER: HE vs. SHE

Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? Well, here’s a prime example offered by an English professor at an American University.

"Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking and anything you wish to say must be written on the paper. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

The following was actually turned in by two of my English students: Rebecca (last name deleted), and Gary (last name deleted).

----------------------------------------------

(first paragraph by Rebecca)

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

----------------------------------------------

(second paragraph by Gary)

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17, he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

----------------------------------------------

(Rebecca)

He bumped his head and died almost immediately but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously

excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

---------------------------------------------

(Gary)

Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the nu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret Mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"

----------------------------------------------

(Rebecca)

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic

semi-literate adolescent.

----------------------------------------------

(Gary)

Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F*CKING TEA??? Oh no, I'm such an air-headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels."

---------------------------------------------

(Rebecca)

Asshole.

---------------------------------------------

(Gary)

Bitch.

---------------------------------------------

(Rebecca)

F*CK YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!

--------------------------------------------

(Gary)

Go drink some tea - whore.

**************************************

(Professor)

A+ - I really liked this one.

My astrologer has informed me that the gods have finally lifted the hex that's kept me from giving and getting all the love I deserve. My karmic debts are all paid up, at least the romantic ones! So what do you say we celebrate? I'm no expert at guiltless fun, but I'm willing to learn at the hands of a master. If you smell good and know how to make love with your mind as well as your body, that's the only love spell I need.

"A man is as young as the woman he feels." Groucho

"Ultimately we know deeply that the other side of every fear is freedom." Marilyn Ferguson

"It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it." Aristotle

"The greatest test of courage on earth is to bear defeat without losing heart." Robert G. Ingersoll

"Moderation is a good thing. If you don't overdo it." Hagar the Viking

"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything."  Mark Twain

"You will never find time for anything. If you want time you must make it." Charles Buxton

"Trying to save someone from their own stupidity is like trying to teach a pig how to dance: it wastes your time, and annoys the pig." Robert Heinlein

"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." Benjamin Franklin

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?      

Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

In The Ozone Week of 12-15-02:

Personal ad of the week:

Captains of Industry

Modest genius with the potential to be a famous millionaire craves your skill in mixing business with pleasure. What makes your heart race faster--pulling off a killing in the market place or getting tangled up in black lace? Shhhh. Don't answer that yet. First tell me if you're addicted to peer pressure. Personally, I don't need to be hip and cool because I'm strong and smart. You, I hope, don't need to break the rules because you make the rules. We're both far from perfect, and that's the way we like it. Our vices are more useful than most people's virtues. Baby, let's rule the world together. I lust for your attention to detail. I await your fax. Rob Brezney

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. Washington Post's Style Invitational

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid. Washington Post's Style Invitational

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. Bumper Sticker
Honk if you love peace and quiet. Bumper Sticker

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. Bumper Sticker

More New Training Courses for Women

Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game

Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too

Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking

Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire

Introduction to Parking

"Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty damned good." Drew Carey

"Using Viagra is like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building." Harvey Korman

When people have trouble communicating, the least they can do is to shut up. Tom Lehrer

The best minds are not in government. If any were, business would steal them away. Ronald Reagan

"All that is gold does not glitter; not all those who wander are lost." J.R.R. Tolkien

I suppose some degree of commerce would grind to a halt if telephone solicitors weren't able to call people at home during dinner hour.  But that doesn't make it any more pleasant.

Now Steve Rubenstein, a writer for the San Francisco Chronicle, has proposed “Three Little Words" based on his brief experience in a telemarketing operation that would stop the nuisance for all time.

The three little words are "Hold On, Please."

Saying this while putting down your phone and walking off instead of hanging up immediately would make each telemarketing call so time-consuming that boiler rooms would grind to a halt.  When you eventually hear the phone company's beep-beep-beep tone, you know it's time to go back and hang up your handset, which has efficiently completed it’s task.  This might be one of those articles you'll want to e-mail to your friends.  Three little words that eliminate telephone soliciting.

GOOD IDEAS:

When you get ads in your phone or utility bill, include them with the payment and let the companies throw them away.  When you get those pre-approved letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to second mortgages and junk like that, most of them come with postage paid return envelopes, right?

Now this is GREAT!!  Why didn't I think of this!!!

Well, why not get rid of some of your OTHER junk mail and put it in these cool little postage paid envelopes! Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express.  Send the pizza coupon to Citibank. If you didn't get anything else that day then just send them their application back!  If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn't on anything you send them.  You can send it back empty if you want to just to keep them guessing! Eventually, the banks and credit card companies will begin getting their junk back in the mail.  Let's let them know what it's like to get junk mail, and the best of it is that they're paying for it! Twice!

Let's help keep our postal service busy since they say e-mail is cutting

into their business, and that's why they need to increase postage again!

Send this to a friend or two or three...or fifty...

Accept that some days you are the pigeon, some days the statue. Roger C. Anderson

Rules of Combat:

If the enemy is in range, so are you.

Incoming fire has the right of way.

Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.

Teamwork is essential, it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.

When in doubt, empty the magazine.

Five-second fuses only last three seconds.

No man is rich enough to buy back his past. Oscar Wilde

Play with puppy,

Puppy licks your face.

Play with fire,

Fire burns you.

“Keeping up the Skeer:”

Definition: Never give a fleeing enemy the chance to rest, harry him, punish him, force him into additional errors, run him into the ground, even if it doesn’t matter anymore. Bedford Forest, Confederate Officer

The happiest day is that day in your past that you always run back to when the present proves unbearable.

I sit beside my lonely fire, and pray for wisdom yet; for calmness to remember, or courage to forget.

Airman’s Toast:

Here’s to me in my sober mood,

When I ramble, sit and think.

Here’s to me in my drunken mood,

When I gamble, sin and drink.

When my flying days are over,

And from this world I pass,

I hope the bury me upside down,

So the world can kiss my ass. Oscar Brand

Agree, for the law is costly. William Camden

In the Ozone Week of 11-11-02

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."

--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become

Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign

There is no such thing as bad weather, just having on the wrong clothes.

Bumper stickers:

He, who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural wholesome things that money can buy." Tom Clancy

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand." Woody Allen

If you get to thinking you're a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else's dog around. Will Rogers

We do survive every moment, after all, except the last one. John Updike

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it." A congressional candidate in Texas

“Amor, salud, dinero y tiempo para gustarle.”

(“Love, health, money and the time to enjoy it.”) Mexican Toast to Friends

“May you always work like you don’t need the money; May you always love like you’ve never been hurt; and May you always dance like nobody is watching.”

A Toast for friends

All of this has been a religious experience; A living hell.

Love your enemies in case your friends turn out to be a bunch of bastards. R.A. Dickson

“Yep, Jake, it looks hopeless, but I don’t think it is serious.” Ace Reid

Just consider that even though she is a beautiful woman, there is somebody, somewhere, who is tired of her shit.

Graffiti on the Men’s Room wall

Hole in the Wall, Austin, Texas

December 30, 1993

Those who agree with us may not be right, but we admire them for their astuteness. Cullen Hightower

Choose your Mentors carefully!

Those who are lost in their lives tend to follow people who are lost in their theories. Roger Gentis

Only the amateurs stay mad. Sam Donaldson

In The Ozone Week of 10-28-02:

A half a truth is a whole lie.

I have opinions of my own -- strong opinions -- but I don't always agree with them. George Herbert Walker Bush (b.1924)

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car. Will Rogers

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in. Will Rogers

Top Joke in the United Kingdom:

A woman gets on the bus with her baby. The bus driver says, “That’s the ugliest baby I have ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the back of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, “The bus driver just insulted me!” The man says, “You go right up there and tell him off. Go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

Top joke in the United States:

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes and bows in prayer. His friend says, “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.’ The man then replies, “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

Top joke in Canada:

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that would write in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures from below freezing to 300 Celsius.

The Russians used a pencil.

Top joke in Australia:

This woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off, “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What’s wrong with me Doctor?”

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says, “well, I can tell you that there ain’t nothing wrong with your eyesight…”

An example of a male joke was:

A guy walked into a psychiatrist’s office wearing only clear cling-film underpants. The psychiatrist says, “Well, I can clearly see your nuts.”

Pumpkin cannon creator sets sights on contest

ELLETTSVILLE, Ind. - (AP) -- When Jim Bristoe told his wife he wanted to build a cannon that would shoot a pumpkin a mile, she told him he wasn't all there.

But he built one anyway, with a 30-foot-long barrel. It is powered by a 700-gallon air tank and is appropriately named Ain't All There. It looks much like a mobile anti-aircraft gun.

''You don't need to cover your ears, but you're going to know I shot it,'' the 42-year-old electrician and mechanic said during a demonstration on Wednesday.

When Bristoe fires the cannon, a 10-pound pumpkin is hit with 11,300 pounds of force. The pumpkin projectile leaves the muzzle at about 900 miles per hour, he said.

During the test, the cannon fired a pumpkin through the rear of a Pontiac.

Bristoe plans to take the two-ton pumpkin cannon to the Pumpkin Propulsion Contest at Verizon Wireless Music Center near Noblesville on Saturday.

The contest is sponsored by Indianapolis radio station WRZX-FM. It's the brainchild of morning show host Gonzo Greg and his colleagues.

''It's more of an exhibition than a competition, and we don't know what to expect in terms of entries,'' said Greg. He added that it sounds like Bristoe will probably win.

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman waiting or a bus was wearing a very tight mini skirt.  As the bus stopped, and it as her turn to get on, she suddenly realized that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.  Again, she tried to make the step, only to discover that she still couldn't make it. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time, attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg high enough. With a little smile to the driver, she reached behind to unzip a little more, but, again, was unable to make the step. About this time, a large Texan standing behind her easily picked her up by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic, turned to the would-be Samaritan, and yelled, "How dare you touch my body!  I don't even know who you are!" The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

Bacchus has drowned more people than Neptune.

If you can’t be thankful for what you have, be thankful for what you have escaped.

There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence. Henry Adams

The nicest thing about eating in dives is that you are never bored by the stuffed shirts who wouldn’t be caught dead in them.

Money talks, but seldom enough to bore us.

In music one must think with the heart and feel with the brain. George Szell

Either heaven or hell has continuous background music piped in; which one you think it is tells a lot about your personality. Bill Vaughan

There are two kinds of people; the intelligentsia and the rest of us. The intelligentsia does the classifying.

A lot of people spend six days sowing wild oats, then go to church on Sunday and pray for crop failure. Fred Allen

There is nothing new in the world except the history you do not know. Harry S. Truman

In The Ozone Week of 10-21-02:

You can't have everything, where would you put it?
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
More New Training Classes for Women:

Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His

Communication Skills III: Getting what you Want Without Nagging

Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption

Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have

Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy.

I take Him shopping with me.  I say, "OK, Jesus, help me find a bargain." Tammy Faye Bakker

If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there. Will Rogers

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." George Burns

Time heals all wounds, unless you pick at them. Shawn Alexander

After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him ... The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut. Will Rogers

Any port in a storm - preferably expensive port.

When I was younger, I made it a rule never to take strong drink before lunch, and now it is my rule never to do so before breakfast. Winston Churchill

My life’s dream has been a perpetual nightmare. Voltaire

My music is best understood by children and animals. Igor Stravinsky

There are more bad musicians than there is bad music. Isaac Stern

When a man has anything to tell in this world, the difficulty is not to make him tell it all, but to prevent him from telling it. Bernard Shaw

Anyone can be accurate and even profound, but it is damned hard work to make criticism charming. Mencken

A great part of the information I have was acquired by looking up something and finding something else on the way. Franklin P. Adams

No man really becomes a fool until he stops asking questions. Charles P. Steinmetz

There are many hard and fast rules for success, but the trouble is all are hard and none are fast.

A know-it-all is a person whose wide range of information is always based on a narrow acquaintance with facts.

The following joke was decided to be “The World’s Funniest Joke” by Laugh Lab Research, in conjunction with the British Association for the Advancement of Science, because it met several criteria in their research. The most important of which was to be understood and considered funny by peoples of numerous countries. Go to: Laugh Lab Research: http://www.laughlab.co.uk/ for more info.

Two hunters were out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed over. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator says: “Calm down, I can help. First, let’s make sure that he is dead.” There is a silence on the line and then the sound of a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the other guy says: “OK, Now what?”

The second place joke:

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip.  After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes,” replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?" Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.  Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.  Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?" Holmes is silent for a moment.  "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

In “The Ozone” Week of 10-14-02:

“Used to be” is always better than “Never was.”

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges

"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither." Steve Martin

"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married." George Burns

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Among these is a Mercedes-Benz 500SL." Lynn Lavner

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. Milton Berle

The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful. Mark Twain (1835-1910)

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. Steven Wright

Whether a man gives up wine or women, depends on the vintage.

Men always make passes at girls who drain glasses…

The more you love music, the more music you love. Abram Chasins

A critic is a man who knows the way, but can’t drive the car. Kenneth Tynan

Everything has been thought of before, but the problem is to think of it again. Goethe

When a man opens the door to help a woman into the car, he has probably just acquired one or the other.

What the good Lord lets happen, I am not ashamed to print in my paper. Charles H. Dana

It’s a good idea to obey all the rules when you are young just so you will have the strength to break them when you are old. Mark Twain

Women think they already know everything, but wait... training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:
Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
Water Retention: Fact or Fat
Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First
PMS: "Poor me syndrome" - Your Problem . . . Not His

The Toilet: You can learn to leave the seat up

In “The Ozone” Week of 10-07-02:

There is no comparison between wine and women; wine improves with age… Unknown (and probably deceased, and not by natural causes)

One of the disadvantages of wine is that it makes a man mistake words for thoughts. Samuel Johnson

Wedlock’s like wine; it’s not to be properly judged until the second glass. Douglas Jerrold

There’s nothing smart about winning a girl; shaking one is the ultimate test. Kin Hubbard

The capacity for getting into trouble and the ability for getting out of it is seldom combined in the same person.

To some people freedom of religion merely means a choice of which churches to stay away from.

You appreciate some people most when they deprive you of the pleasure of their company.

The trouble with absent-minded professors is that they are never absent-minded enough to forget to flunk anyone.

Another reason for highway accidents is that the new car models are faster, while the pedestrians are still made in the same old model.

It was a non-smoker (Adam) who committed the first sin and brought death into the world and all our woe. Robert Lynd

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him. Mark Twain (1835-1910)

Anything that happens, happens. Anything that in happening, causes something else to happen, causes something else to happen. Anything that, in happening, causes itself to happen again, happens again. It doesn’t necessarily do it in chronological order, though. Douglas Adams

I only use my gun when kindness and reason fail. Robert Earl Keen Song Lyrics

You can borrow from the Devil

You can borrow from a Friend

But the Devil will give you twenty

When your Friend got only ten. Robert Hunter

Sometimes one should consider crossing the lines of convention. One need not be in the classroom or playing chess. Whenever life becomes a game of Tinker toys, the Queen may be sacrificed. Article in Reader’s Digest, 1993

He who takes no risks, drinks no champagne. Russian Proverb

In “The Ozone” Week of 9-30-02

Jamais vu: The opposite of Deja’ vu. When what is really a very familiar experience seems to be happening for the first time.

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby. Natalie Wood (1938-1981)

Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings and lawyers. Richard Pryor

I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours. Jerome K. Jerome (1859-1927)

At age fifty, every man has the face he deserves. George Orwell (1903-1950)

You will concede, will you not, that women generally have wider hips and a lower center of gravity? L.M. Boyd

The cable TX Sex channels don’t expand our horizons, don’t make us better people, and don’t come in clearly enough. Bill Maher

Diplomacy is the art of saying “Nice doggy” until you can find a rock. Will Rogers (1879-1935)

You know it is not a good wax museum when you can see the wicks sticking out of people’s heads. Rick Reynolds

For people who like peace and quiet - a phone less cord.

Good Girls go to Heaven. Bad Girls go everywhere. Song Lyrics by Meatloaf

It is a good thing that Men don’t understand Women; Women understand Women, and they don’t like them.

If you have talent and work long and hard, anything in the world can be yours - if you have enough money.

If the equality of the sexes is ever achieved, it will take time for the men to adjust to their new rights.

The man who puts a woman on a pedestal is in danger of getting kicked in the face.

A woman’s idea of meeting her husband halfway is to admit she’s wrong if he admits she’s right.

I never give them hell; I just tell the truth and they think it is hell. Harry S. Truman

In “The Ozone” Week of 9-23-02

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

IGNORANUS:  A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

The winner of the Washington Post's Style Invitational

Always look out for #1; and never step in #2.

Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at them, but I wouldn’t want to own one. W.C. Fields (1880-1946)

See the happy Moron, he doesn’t give a damn. I wish I were a Moron. My God! Perhaps I am!

If God wanted sex to be fun, He wouldn’t have included children as punishment. Ed Bluestone

All men are mariners, and all Women islands to be inhabited. Old Phoenician Saying.

Anyone who imagines that all fruits ripen at the same time as the strawberry, knows nothing of grapes. Paracelsus

The only way that a man can be a Man, is if a Woman is a Woman. Andy Capp

“Da mihi castitatem et continenttiam, sed noli modo.”

Translation: “Give me chastity and continency, but not yet.” St. Augustine, calling to God.

God is perfect.

Man is not.

Man made beer.

God made pot. Pearl of Wisdom: High Times Magazine

Stuffed deer heads are bad enough, but it’s worse when they are wearing dark glasses and have streamers and ornaments in their antlers because you know that they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot. Ellen de Generis

Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow. Jeff Valdez

"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" Lee Iacocca

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

In “The OZONE” Week of 9-16-02:

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." Mariah Carey

If you need a fork, you need a plate, so you need a table to put it on, then a chair to sit at the table. Before long, you’re living in a house with a woman and a batch of kids and a dog that kills your chickens. Argentine Gaucho explaining why they prefer eating with their fingers.

One word tracer says that the term “Rule of Thumb” dates back to when early English doctrine held that a husband couldn’t beat his wife with a stick thicker than his thumb. L.M. Boyd

The face of a woman can say it all. Especially the mouth part.

Life is good as long as you keep getting older. Willie Nelson

His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.

Some things you do with some people for the first time, all over again. Quoted by Diana Howard, 1999

I would not breed from this person. Ellen Goodman

This person is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

A Latin Primer:

Ventis secundis, tene cursum: Go with the flow.

Fac me cocleario vomere: Gag me with a spoon.

Fac ut vivas: Get a life.

Age. Fac ut gaudeam: Go ahead. Make my day.

Totum dependeat: Let it all hang out.

Pone ubi sol non lucet: Stick it where the sun don’t shine.

Ibi id impone! Ibi id impone!: Put it in there! Put it in there!

Did you miss me? Yeah, with every bullet so far…

Obscenity is in the groin of the beholder.

In “The OZONE” Week of 09-9-02:

It’ all a matter of perspective: A while back, I met a old stray dog that was flea-bitten, tick-ridden, half-blind with cataracts, and covered with matted and mangy hair and skin. Only three of his legs worked and at some point in time his owners had had him neutered. When we cut his matted hair so we could get his collar off, we noticed that he had an ID tag with his name on it - Lucky.

While I was standing in the line at the grocery store the other day, I noticed a very nice looking Hispanic lady standing a couple of registers over. She was wearing a T-shirt that had “Hispanic Research institute” written on its’ front. I don’t know why, but it struck me as pretty funny.

"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. Here were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." John Wayne

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." Al Gore, Vice President

Sometimes, too much drink is not enough. Mark Twain (1935-1910)

I caused my husband’s heart attack. In the middle of lovemaking I shook the paper bag off my head. He dropped the Polaroid and keeled over and so did the hooker. It would have taken me half an hour to untie myself and call the paramedics, but fortunately the Great Dane could dial. Joan Rivers

The other day, a dog peed on me. A bad Sign. Robert Byrne

You are only young once, but you can always be immature.

Life being what it is, one dreams of revenge. Paul Gauguin (1848-1903)

Eating an artichoke is like getting to know someone really well. Willie Hastings

Strange that how a man can love a woman and at the same time hope that she will fall under the wheels of a train. Unknown

A meal without rice is like a beautiful woman with only one eye. Ancient Chinese Proverb

"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version." Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony

In “The OZONE” Week of 9-02-02:

“You can’t forget memories.” Hondo Crouch

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in his or her shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away and you have their shoes…

Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow…Zen thought.

A day without sunshine is like…night. Zen Thought

Just remember - you are unique. Just like everybody else…

We are born wet, naked and hungry, and then things get worse…

Sign on bar wall, Luckenbach, TX:

“If you are drinking to forget, please pay in advance.”

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire….

Don’t worry; it only seems kinky the first time…

Unsolicited advice: Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just leave me alone. You are bothering me.

Do it big or stay in bed. Larry Kelly

 

 

Top of Page

Copyright © 2003-2006 Upward Through The Ozone. All Rights Reserved.