Love is not measured by how many times you touch each other, but by how many times you reach each other.

Cathy Morany

 “The Love Goddess” that was supposed to begin dazzling us with her insights decided to get a job that paid cold hard cash instead (please see note below.) I put out a request to visitors of the website asking for volunteers and have received a few responses from able-bodied female creatures wanting to give the position a try. Send more questions so we can evaluate their style and insight into the world of male & female relationships. So, in an effort to be fair to all potential “Love Goddesses,” I/we are going to have a contest of sorts to choose our next correspondent. All potential “Love Goddesses” need to supply an answer to the following test question. Responses will be posted in this section so that visitors to the website may vote on the most eloquent answers. Email your answers/comments to The Love Goddess so that we can get this show on the road.

The Test Question

Dear Love Goddess:

I am a member of Match.com and have some questions for you about women’s perceptions. In my profile, I set my preferences for my ideal date/mate as slender or athletic since I refuse to date a woman with a bigger butt than me. I realize that my preferences may be shallow in that chubby, stout or chunky women can be nice also, but I am being honest. They are not for me. However, all of the women I have met and/or dated so far from the web site are anything but slender or athletic.

Now for my question:

The choices in the “Body” Section of the web site are: Slender, Athletic, Average and a Few Extra Pounds. There is no selection for emaciated. Can you give a general rule-of-thumb of how a woman defines or perceives the above categories given accepted weight/height/body type standards?

I mean, if I ask for slender, does that mean to them that 20 Lbs. overweight is within their perceived norm? Is Athletic, maybe 20-30 Lbs. over? Is Average, maybe 20-40 lbs. over? Are a Few Extra Pounds - I won’t even go there as it scares me.

Please help me. These dinner dates are getting expensive.

Sincerely,

Lost in the USA’s Fattest City

OZONA, LOVE GODDESS WANNABE, has submitted the following as her answer to the above test question. Be kind when you send your critiques of her answer. Ask yourself the following probing questions before you send your comments. Does she make the grade? Does she have the proper insights into the complexities of the male/female psyche and their feeble attempts to find common ground? Send your evaluations to The Love Goddess and I will post them to this page as I receive them.

Dear "Lost"

I have read your letter and you want definitions of how a woman perceives certain categories.

This is my thoughtful answer.

When you are asking for a Slender woman, keep this in mind. That description refers to a woman that sucks lettuce leaves in 4 /4ths time and loves to drink wine or any alcoholic beverage. She enjoys long slender snacks. She will do everything in her power not to gain weight. Any dress size over size 8 is totally disgusting to her.

The Athletic type loves competition.  She will always try to out do you.  She will want to arm wrestle you and win and throw your body around and take advantage of you. She will weigh more than you think because she is a mass of muscle. Her muscles will have great definition and she will love to eat foods that do not have fat on/or in them.

The Average woman  will wear her jeans like they are sausage casings.  You won't be able to tell if she is 20-40 lbs. overweight because her clothes will keep her body encased.  If her jeans are like "iron-on" jeans there will be no jiggle in the lower part of her body.  She will wear Victoria Secret's Bra's and the uplift Bra's will make you forget that she is 20-40lbs. overweight.

As far as a Few Extra Pounds,...any time you see a woman that has a dress on that looks like "Omar the Tentmaker" designed it, beware.  She may throw the dress over your head and onlookers may think that two dogs are fighting under-neath it. This could add a lot of excitement to your life or absolutely take the life out of you.

Use these guidelines to help with your selection of women in America's Fattest City.

OZONA THE LOVE GODDESS

Dating In “The Ozone”: This project started as an advice column by L.C.P. answering all of your online dating queries. He wanted to name the column “Erotica in the Ether”, but we hosed him down and he seemed back on the right track. L.C.P., my friends, was THE Voice of Experience, THE King of his Realm, THE Duke of Dating; you get the drift. He had more experience with Internet dating than anyone I have ever heard of. He could write a book (probably several volumes) about his experiences. No question was too personal or too explicit. If L.C.P. hasn’t done it, he had at least watched someone/something else do it and probably took notes and pictures. But, alas he got married yet again and no longer has the time to write the column and answer questions. So, we again begin the search for a male to take over the column. All interested parties should email T.C. for more info.

Okay, Lovers, now you can take a test for almost everything. The following sample of the tests from The Spark website should help you decide whether or not you, or your potential mate are cut out for this area of The Ozone. Try them all for a good way to pass your time while in “The Ozone.” Be sure to go to the main site and take a look of everything else they have to offer.

The Love Test: by The Spark.com

The Compatibility Test: By Spark.com

The Sense Test: By Spark.com

The Purity Test: By The Spark.com

The Death Test: By The Spark.com

The Un-Intelligence Test: By The Spark.com

The Bitch Test: By The Spark.com

The Slut Test: By The Spark.com

The Gender Test: By The Spark.com

The Gay Test: By The Spark.com

The Friend Test: By The Spark.com

The Date Test: By The Spark.com

The Pickup Test: By The Spark.com

Yet another way to determine if the opposite sex is for you:

Love Calculator: By Dr. Love

This Age Difference Calculator by the folks at Flywheel Aerospace will tell you if you should wait for the love of your life to get out of high school or not:

Appropriate Age Difference Calculator:

Yet another good site offering a range of dating-appropriate test solutions:

Love Test:

Ok Folks, check this article out…

Fat: The New Thin by Claire Zulkey: We should be proud to be the Fattest city in America. This is a very thought-provoking article from the Sweet Fancy Moses Web Site.

Note: “The Ozone” policy regarding correspondent positions is: Anybody who may want to wax eloquent in “The Ozone” just needs to ask. We aren’t proud. We’ll take almost anybody or anything. Of course, by necessity, correspondents fill an unpaid position, having to survive on the satisfaction they receive from helping their fellow male and female beings, those in-between male and female and those in transition from male to female and vice versa.

 

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